A statement, not a complaint.
It's so easy to get caught up in how busy I am, whinging about it and wishing I had more time, but the truth is, I live for it.
I love being busy! I choose to be busy, I sign up for the multitude of things that fill my spare moments. I love it because it gives me purpose; a deadline, a task, a criteria to define 'success'
Don't get me wrong, I'm no work-a-holic. I love my breaks, I've been counting down to the midyear holiday since week 2 and I yearn for the time to relax, it's just freedom scares me just a *little* bit. Those empty days, to fill with what I choose, are intimidating. There's no deadline, no task description, no criteria to evaluate 'success'.
Just me, myself and I, doing whatever we please.
And, sometimes, I flounder. It's easier to leave it for later, to do nothing now, to bore myself than to choose somewhere to start. The freedom's over, the busyness slowly creeps it's slimy tentacles back into my life, and the stress begins all over again.
It's easier to do nothing at all than to do something and risk failing. Not finishing, not doing it as well as I could have, not choosing the right thing to begin with. So I give up before I begin.
I feel like admitting this to myself, to the world, might help. This is my public promise to try to change my ways, to not let freedom intimidate me. To make the time for myself, but more importantly, to use the time.
I'm revisiting the lists of ideas, remembering why I had them, what I wanted to do. Re-evaluating what I want to do, what I want to be.
And along with that, what this space is. What it's meant to be. What I want it to be.
I want to start again, start with the basics and build from there.
Because the silence of this space is becoming scary, just like an empty day.
I haven't decided yet, I don't know where I'm going, but I will, and I'll let you know. Because this space isn't what I intended it to be, and that's OK.
But I need to know what it is now, what it's purpose is. For peace of mind, for structure. Because that's what I thrive on, and that's OK too. I'm not a creative all over the place person, hard as I try. It doesn't work for me, I don't get anything done. I'm better at starting things than finishing them.
So stay tuned. I haven't abandoned you. I'm coming back. Slowly. I'll bring food soon. I promise.